Trust, Then Verify

When I went to college, most schools had a two-semester foreign language requirement. Of course that was back when a joint was something I inhaled, now it's something I pop Tylenol for because it aches after I mow the lawn. Today, a foreign language is saying "I'm sorry" after being asked to stop talking while in the movie theatre.

Back then, I elected to take French--absolument. Mostly because I took it in high school and I knew I could ace it. I had a GPA to maintain. And I knew it would come in handy when I was living in the 5th arrondissement and honing my art. I did actually go there on our honeymoon but it wasn't my art we were honing.

Little did I know in college that the foreign language I should have been taking is Corporatese--the mother tongue of corporations everywhere.

Like any language it has it's own set of idiomatic expressions. For example, the French phrase n'est-ce pas literally translates to something like "not is this" in English. Doesn't make sense, so the closest you can get to it is "isn't that right." Thus, "These pants don't make me look fat, n'est-ce pas?"

Those of us fluent in Corporatese like to refer to these as idiotmatic phrases. Coined by those who like to "level-set," "create synergistic paradigms," and "take it to the next level," these little diddies are the fertilizer from which corporate executives bloom.

One of the first I learned was "send me a bear-down." At first I was shocked but then I was relieved when I remembered I had whole wheat toast that morning. Luckily a co-worker stopped me on the way to the bathroom and told me that it was a carbonized memo that you had to press down hard on so it would go through. You know, that's why it says "bear-down" at the top.

One of the more recent ones I learned was "trust then verify."

Now to foreigners who don't speak the language, this might seem like a bit of a contradiction. After all if one truly trusts someone, why would it be necessary to verify anything? For example, when my partner and I have corn races, we don't call each other into the bathroom to verify that the little yellow kernels did indeed make it through the digestive tract unscathed. We just trust that the little miracle has taken place and the winner has been determined.

But what the illegal aliens of the corporate world don't understand is that trust is a relative thing. It's bestowed only when they says it's so.

Sure, associates are empowered to do the job they're hired to perform. After all, it's a significant expenditure to hire/train someone so they can contribute to our core competency (I'm positively giddy with corporate-speak).

But whether you're a native of the country, Corporate, or a naturalized resident, trust isn't a right of citizenship. It needs to be "earned."

Do a good job first, and then again. And if you could just prove yourself to me one more time. I know you always come through for me before but it's all for the boys in the field (and corner office egos). Then (and only then) do you earn the right to be trusted, then verified.

Same chorus, different verse. Corporatese is such a lyrical language, n'est-ce pas?