That’s the sound I heard holding three items in
a ten-item checkout line. But what followed was anything but express.
It was the sound a purse makes in the hands of the
woman at the front of my line. I’ve come to recognize it as the well-choreographed
mating dance that must be performed before the transaction can be consummated.
There are hours of my life that I will never
get back as the result of these one-woman performances. One time, I was once able to celebrate my
birthday, Easter and the anniversary of Elivs’ death before the performance
came to a merciful close.
The Greatest Show on Earth
In this particular performance, the curtain
opens with the phenom unbuckling the front flap of her purse after first
calling attention to the attached photo keychain that featured her three
children—ages 5, 8 and 12, which she shared with the clerk.
Watching the two customers in the checkout next
to me complete their transactions, the second movement of her dance began. Unzipping
one of the compartments inside, she titillated us by revealing the “secret”
place where several units of exchange were stored. As an added treat, the
hiding place was a combination of zips and snaps—this woman was a professional.
While mentally shuffling back the rest of my
day’s schedule, I braced myself to take in this woman’s real artistry—selecting
just the right dance partner to pay for the purchase. As a seasoned viewer of
shopping theatre-macabre, I knew she had three choices:
- Paper- If purchasing with paper, she’ll reach past the hand sanitizer and undereye cream to pull out a color-coordinated billfold. After undoing its own snap and zipper, she’d dig deep into one of its folds to pull out the needed dollar bill while rearranging the remaining bills into ascending denomination.
- Coin - Luckily most purchases require coinage to complete the transaction. That allows the performer to integrate the spoken word into the ritual. Usually, it’s a variation of, “Wait a minute, I think I have some change.” That allows her to search for the coin purse after having first pulled out discarded gum wrappers. Here’s where the classic metal clasp can punctuate a performance with its distinctive click. First count the correct change mentally and repeat the chorus by then counting it aloud for the clerk, one coin at a time holding us audience members in catatonic suspense.
- Plastic - Paying with plastic offers another choice. Past yet another zipper to the “they’ll never look in here” compartment, she’ll reach for the animal-print credit card folio. For added security, this one requires a full gainer to open the special zipper that spans three of its four sides, as she rotates the folio around to open each side. For dramatic effect, the woman will fan each card out as she selects the right one then put the rest back in their place.
And For My Final Number
As the clerk from the neighboring checkout line
came back from her lunch break, our performer’s finale began—replaying the entire
ritual in reverse order. She rezipped the billfold, clicked shut the coin purse
and resnapped the card folio. She returned each to its rightful compartment,
one at a time like members of a ballet troupe rushing into the wings.
That left her alone on stage illuminated with a
single spotlight while she executed a paux-de-deux with the clerk about what
else she has planned for the day.
Then spoke her final line as a stage whisper,
“Well, I guess I should let you wait on your other customers.” With that, she
closed the flap on her purse like a curtain coming down on another tour-de-force.
Exit stage right.
I left the theatre, I mean the store,
emotionally drained and intellectually bereft. I could always go to the doctor
another day. I’m sure my fever will break soon anyway.
Prologue
My advice to my fellow consumers the next time
you hear “zip, snap, click, snap, zip” in the express line, turn off all
cellular equipment and take note of where the emergency exits are located. The show’s
about to begin and you’re going to need to find one, quick.
