I was listening to a FOX reporter interview a man who supported his position by fervently quoting Jesus as his source. This might be okay if the topic was life in the Garden of Gethsemane but this was about the recent Kim Kardashian split up.
It made me wonder how does this guy get such direct access to contemporary divine knowledge. Christ, that must be some kind of mobile calling plan! I suspect it’s the kind of plan whose price varies based on your history of virtuous deeds.
Your Plan Options
- The Mother Theresa Plan - Those with a monastic pedigree could apply for the Mother Theresa plan. There’s no charge for those saved-to-saved calls. You earn bonus minutes for evangelical calls to nonbelievers. And it’s part of the 4G (a.k.a. “4 God”) network.
- The Charlie Sheen Plan - Those with a slightly less sterling record might opt for the Charlie Sheen plan. Sure, it’s little pricier but presumably you’ll get your money’s worth. Go over on your minutes? No problem, all is forgiven. And there’s a special app included for late night bootie call interventions (available soon for android phones).
- Coming Soon! - In development is a personal Wi-Fi feature. It allows up to twelve other people to virtually join hands on screen. Imagine, your very own mobile chapel where you can dish divine insider's tips. It comes with a credit card reader to help you pass the plate. That shining cathedral on the hill ain’t gonna build itself you know.
The Fine Print. Of course, premium rates would apply for Sunday access. After all, he’s working on that day. Frankly, I’d opt out of that add-on. You can get free service at any retail outlet – just attend a local worship service. (Note, there’s a free-will offering, but it’s not mandatory. Just act like you’re digging for change and shrug your shoulders as the basket goes by as if to say, “I must have left my spare change in my other pants. I’ll getcha next time.”).
Create Your Own Plan
While this aberration might put you on the fast track for sainthood, Sprint just isn’t offering this plan, nor is any other carrier. Although rumor has it that Steve Jobs might be working on an app now. InaneTechieDribble@blogspot.com reports that it provides your very own Cloud to chat on-demand with the heavenly server (and it will link to your Facebook account, duh).
So where does one go to for wireless celestial guidance in today’s world?
For me, it’s a hands-free device that occupies the space between my ears. It’s that divine invention that we’re supposed to use to figure it out -- your mind (as in, make up your own).
If you like, listen to people religious and people agnostic. Make a Gideon feel good and use it for more than fixing a wobbly bed leg. Dig out your scouting uniform and help an old lady across the street. Get the idea? You decide what God wants you to do, not somebody else.
In the end, it all comes down to faith. I just prefer to apply a little reason to mine. They won't fool me again with that potato chip that looks like the Virgin Mary.
